Torn

I'm dealing with a big question. Better said, my husband and I are dealing with a big question. We want to have a baby. The natural way is not going to happen. I am not willing to put my body through fertility treatments because my poor body is going through enough. We've been thinking about adoption but that has been financially unrealistic - until recently.

Since moving into this condo a couple months ago we're finally in a position to save some money. We want to save money so we can buy a house and really settle in. We can stay and save as long as we want so we got to thinking perhaps we can also save for an adoption.

Now that it's a more realistic possibility I'm feeling very torn. Having a child is something we both really want. There are so many reasons we want to do it. But I'm also so scared about it. Something inside me tells me that when a baby comes into my life I will rise to whatever challenge out of love. I feel that sometimes with our pets. Besides I know my in-laws are close and I'm sure they will be a wonderful support for me when my husband is at work. Plus, with time, a baby becomes a child and becomes increasingly independent.

But what if a couple years in he or she develops autism - I don't think I'm capable of dealing with that with all the pain, brain fog, fatigue, etc. Or what if he or she has colic - another situation I don't think I could deal with.

What if no matter how much I love him or her, I'm just not able to be a good mom because of the migraines and fibromyalga?

Even if I can - who would choose to give their baby to us. I wouldn't, when there are other "healthier" couples to choose from. So what right do I have to even ask?

I go back and forth. I just don't know what the right thing is here.

What do you all think?