Chronic Pain Made Me a Party Pooper

Party pooper: that's me. No matter the situation I always feel like I'm bringing people down, disappointing them or just being a big ol' bummer. 

Whenever people try to make small talk with me at a party they find themselves awkwardly trying to respond to my unexpected situation. Even those who already know my situation keep expecting me to be suddenly better and again have to fight through the awkwardness of not knowing what to do or say around me when they learn that I'm not better. 

When I get invited by friends or family to get together I can't respond with the traditional excited acceptance or disappointed explanation of prior commitments. I always want to see friends and family but I need to take a few moments to consider the timing, the environment and circumstances before I can accept or decline. I know that these hesitations makes it seem like I'm not interested but that's never the case. I just can't answer right away. 

Even if I am able to make the plans I can't guarantee that I'll be able to actually follow through. Even if I am able to follow through I can't guarantee I won't have to leave early. Even if I am able to stick it out I can't guarantee that my mind will cooperate with conversations or that I'll be able to fully participate in the festivities. I can't drink. I don't eat meat. I'm always nauseated. I'm always in pain. I have Migraine Resting Face. I can't take loud noises, bright lights, strong odors and extreme temperatures. I no longer have the energy for small talk or large crowds. 

Most disturbingly, those closest to me, who try their hardest to understand my limitations, still have to deal with the disappointment of wanting to go and do with me and me not feeling up to it. I traveled all the way to Wisconsin to visit with my mom just a couple weeks ago, but after that big trip I wasn't able to do much of anything but hang out. As much as she says it's fine, I can tell that she was disappointed and a little frustrated that we couldn't do more. 

There is no way around it, I'm a party pooper, a wet blanket, a big ol' bummer. I hate being those things. I hate that I'm not dependable and fun. Guilt has become a dark shadow over most of my social interactions and I hate that most of all. 

Do you ever feel like this? How do you deal with it?