Grieving The Me I Lost

Despite efforts to the contrary I'm finding some pangs of jealousy and sadness have been bubbling up over the past couple weeks. Watching and listening to people my age who are healthy and able to do the things they want to do has been reminding me of the times I was able. I remember it so vividly. Then as my attention inevitably turns back to the present, sadness and jealous are the predominant feelings.

I imagine all the things I could have accomplished over the past 7 years - 7 years! Oh how I miss the energy I used to have. The freedom, the focus, the time...chronic pain has robbed me of SO MUCH. Grieving all that I've lost, while not constant, never quite resolves.

As happy as I may be for the forward movement and living that my contemporaries get to do, sometimes it just makes me jealous. I'm trying hard to fight the useless questions that it stirs: "Why can't I have more pain free days?", "Why do they get to do (xyz) and not me?", "Why can't I have a career?", "Why is this happening to me?". These questions serve no real purpose and they certainly don't have any answers. I must not ask them, must not ask them...

This is all just part of the current wave of grief over the me I lost. A grief that waxes and wanes.